Forget Hot Flashes, Menopausal Mood Swings Are the Issue We Should Talk About

Hot flashes and night sweats are uncomfortable, but the anger and uncontrollable mood swings are debilitating

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This was the first post I made on my Substack; at the time, I had maybe five subscribers. Now that so many new readers have joined, I feel it is the right time to post it again as a reminder of why I started this publication. To spread as much menopause awareness as possible!

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When I went into menopause and suddenly started sweating profusely at the most inopportune moments, I wasn’t surprised.

Embarrassed? Yes - often - but not surprised. Sure, I know it’s natural, but if you haven’t gone through airport security with rivers of sweat dripping down your face and back, I’m not that interested in your take on this.

I wasn’t surprised because the sweats felt like something that was supposed to happen. Everyone knows about them. They’re just one of the downfalls of having a female body and hormones.

I had little idea what else would come. Knowing what I know now, I’m convinced that learning about the details of menopause should be mandatory for everyone — starting in high school.

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I know menopause or perimenopause are finally talked about more these days; thanks, J.D. Vance, you did us a solid there. Unintentional, sure, but we’ll take it.

But it’s still not enough. Why don’t we learn about it in school, in biology or sex-ed?

Women’s magazines rarely talk about it in more than a superficial way. I guess they don’t want to distract you from buying new make-up and clothes with detailed descriptions of aging, new and unfamiliar body odors or impending physical dysfunction.

Not even my mother talked about it with me.

I was left reeling by a new feeling of deep, uncontrollable rage. And by the anxiety and the depression.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve experienced a plethora of unwelcome negative emotions. The experience has left me angry — justified angry, not menopausal angry — that nobody ever educated me about this side of menopause.

Sure, we know that menopause exists. 

Menopausal hot flashes are the subject of comedies. Sketches that make light of women getting older. But you don’t understand what it means until it happens to you.

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Tell me, what do you think of when you hear menopause?

Are you worried about menopause because you’ve been told it’s a sign that you’re old? Unwanted and soon to be invisible? Have you been told that menopause means it’s game over? That you’re no longer young and fertile when it occurs?

Even though we should know better —  50 is the new 40, as my mom keeps telling me — we all think about old age. We see a grandma rocking her grandchildren and knitting socks.

But that’s not us yet, is it?

You’ve likely heard you can expect weight gain or hair loss. But do you also know about mood swings, tinnitus, forgetfulness, brain fog, insomnia, sadness, anxiety or depressive episodes?

And itchy ears? Apparently, this is a common thing.

No? Well, buckle up. 85% of women experience symptoms of varying severity. Chances are high you’ll be in for a bumpy ride.

Because you’re not a granny, you probably have a full-time job and a family. And you have to navigate your career and responsibilities while suddenly feeling like a complete stranger to yourself. 

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I had no idea that menopause would intermittently turn me into a raging ball of anger. My husband can confirm that I’m scary when angry.

Under normal circumstances, I’m pretty patient and chill. Suddenly, I lost all my chill. Every day, I woke up anxious, feeling overwhelmed by every single thing I had to do that day and wondering what the point of getting up was.

I used to be someone who woke up happy; now, everything felt like a chore, and people drove me nuts.

All the people, even the ones I love.

I picked fights and stopped talking to people — some of them for good reason — but before menopause, I would have been more diplomatic.

And, of course, I had no idea what was going on. I felt like a dark cloud was hovering over me, that life was no longer fun, but I couldn’t pinpoint why.

Sure, the hot flashes and sweats told me I was menopausal, but I didn’t make the connection between the dark cloud and my hormones for a long time.

If I had, I wouldn’t have wasted time trying to combat my menopause symptoms with a mix of yam extract and black cohosh. 

I would have gone straight to hormone replacement therapy (HRT).

Hormone replacement therapy got a bad reputation in the early 2000s when a study seemed to show that the side effects of HRT were worse than the benefits it brought to women. 

I still remember the sensational magazine headlines about the increased risk of breast cancer with HRT. Women immediately stopped taking hormone replacement. 

Even now that studies have shown the overwhelming benefits of HRT has for the cardiovascular system, reducing coronary disease and all-cause mortality, HRT hasn’t recovered from the bad reputation it acquired.

My grandmother died of breast cancer so, like many women, I shied away from taking hormones. 

I tried to go the ”natural” route. I ate more soy products, took natural hormone supplements and continued to sweat like a pig. 

It wasn’t sustainable; sooner or later, airport security would stick me in a solitary cell and start probing me. So I talked to my gynecologist. A kind and well-educated woman I trust. 

She finally made the connection for me. She explained that the sweating, the mood swings and all the other symptoms were connected and recommended I start using estrogen.

And it helped. Not being bathed in sweat 24/7 helped me focus on battling all the other symptoms. Estrogen alone hasn’t been able to get rid of all of the mood disorders, unfortunately.

A combination of more sleep, physical activity, Ashwagandha, St. John’s Wort, passionflower and taking care of my microbiome with fiber-rich food, kefir and fermented vegetables has helped immensely.

Now, I finally have days when I wake up and feel like myself again. Full of energy and motivation to get up and do something.

I cherish these days and try to savor them because it’s still a fragile balance.

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Most of us don’t know that menopause can make it extremely hard to be a functional adult both at work and at home. Until we’re in the middle of it.

And while we struggle, the people around us have no idea what’s going on either. Why they’re suddenly in a remake of Body Snatchers? Where their beloved partner was suddenly replaced by a constantly irritated, snappy body double. One that is constantly tired and no longer enjoys the activities they used to love. And has no sex drive.

Our boss doesn’t understand why we suddenly forget tasks, meetings, deadlines, or papers we were supposed to bring. If he’s a younger man, he might have heard of pregnancy brain. But menopause brain is a thing, too. Brain fog is real.

Companies rarely make accommodations for menopausal women. Even as we now thankfully have prayer rooms for religious employees, there are no cold rooms for women experiencing hot flashes. Wouldn’t you love one of those?

There is no way to take more time off or rest more. Even though we might desperately need it. Because it’s just women getting old, not a big thing, right?

But it is. It can be considered a disability if the symptoms are severe.

According to the Equality and Human Rights Commission (EHRC), employers should be forced to make adjustments for women who are going through menopause.

New guidance issued by the Equality and Human Rights Commission says menopause symptoms with a long term and substantial impact on women’s day-to-day activities may be considered a disability …

Employers could be sued for disability discrimination if they fail to make “reasonable adjustments” for women going through menopause under new guidance issued by the Equality and Human Rights Commission (EHRC) on Thursday, amid concern over the number of women leaving their jobs due to symptoms.

And believe me, there have been many days where I’ve considered quitting my job.

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Even though menopause is called the change, it isn’t seen as the monumental change in your body it is. 

It can be brutal and debilitating. 

Everyone needs to be aware of that — your husband, boss, colleagues, kids, and friends. 

They should have learned about it in school. In detail. Menopause doesn’t just affect women. It affects society as a whole. It affects our relationships and our productivity.

You shouldn’t have to have individual awkward conversations about it. And you should have the space to go through it with support and dignity.

So you don’t have to turn into an angry ball of fire to get some space and time for yourself.

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