How Knowing We’re All in It Together Helps When Life is Hard

When the going gets tough and menopause symptoms are kicking your butt, it's good to know you aren't alone in the struggle

Image created on Midjourney by the author

I’m sure you noticed I’ve been neglecting “My Menopause Brain” for the past few weeks. Life has been super busy. In addition to writing, I have a full-time job that sometimes gets in the way. I also set up “My Menopause Brain” over on Medium.

And I keep forgetting that I don’t have as much energy as I used to, so I put too many things on my plate and struggle to get them done.

With my consistent HRT regimen, supplements and improving my sleep pattern, I’m doing much better than I was a few months ago.

Nevertheless, I am sometimes overwhelmed out of the blue by a paralyzing feeling of tiredness. From one moment to the next, I'm exhausted. All my well-organized plans for the day come crashing down and crumble to nothing.

Instead of writing, I’m on the couch watching Love is Blind UK.

For many women, one of the most startling menopause symptoms is this crashing sense of fatigue. An abrupt loss of energy, a feeling of intense lethargy, some women even experience a sensation of muscle weakness.

It’s so disorienting. But it’s very common.

On the “Better Menopause,” I read that while only 20% of premenopausal women reported periods of physical and mental exhaustion, this number rises to over 46% during perimenopause and 85% after menopause.

So the likelihood that you’ll have to navigate your life around bouts of exhaustion once you reach menopause is significant.

This crippling fatigue has made me miss out on a lot of fun stuff in the past few years. Once I get through my workday, I have no energy left to meet friends, do fun activities or go to the gym.

I’ve canceled so many activities on short notice that I’m now reluctant to accept any invitation.

And, of course, I keep beating myself up about this constantly. Sure, my brain knows it’s the menopause kicking my butt - but my subconscious is screaming: “Get up, you lazy bitch", and do something with your life”.

Not helpful, I assure you.

It’s been really hard to let go of all my expectations for my productivity. Since I feel so guilty about not meeting these expectations, I’ve been trying to hide my lack of motivation from everyone.

How do you tell friends and family you don’t want to see them—because you simply can’t?

I need a roof over my head, so I funnel my energy into work and use the puny amount that’s left into everything else.

But I worry that my friends will stop talking to me if this continues.

It’s not just me. A lot of menopausal women fear that they’ll lose their friends. There was a Reddit Thread in r/Menopause on this topic a couple of months ago where a woman said:

I simply do not have the mental capacity to be a friend or have friends at this point. Perimeno is fucking up all aspects of my life. I am on survival mode just to keep myself alive and keep my marriage from dissolving.

This could have been me. This is how I still feel way too often.

But as I said, it’s getting better. Last Friday at 10 pm, I got a text from a friend. She was going to lay over in Vienna on her way from Washington to Geneva on Saturday morning and wanted to have breakfast spontaneously.

This time, I didn’t say no. I needed a few minutes to consider whether I had the energy. I went back and forth a couple of times, but I said yes.

Despite having already agreed to go to the cinema with another friend later in the day. Don’t scoff, please. If your battery is running low like mine, scheduling two activities on a coveted day off is a big deal. Believe me.

And I’m so glad I did. It was a lovely breakfast in one of Vienna’s beautiful coffee houses. And turns out my friend is also suffering from menopause symptoms.

She mentioned having severe hot flashes all of a sudden. And from there the conversation moved to all the other symptoms.

We talked about it all: all the stuff we usually hide from others, the fatigue, the weight gain—really hard to hide—the lack of motivation to do stuff, and this general feeling of no longer being able to control your life.

And you know what? We laughed - we connected, and we laughed heartily at the absurd situations we sometimes find ourselves in. Because yes, there’s also something hilarious about how menopause deconstructs our carefully laid out plans and makes us reevaluate everything we’ve so carefully built.

And I think we laughed out of relief. Realizing you’re not alone and that others not only see you but experience the same things you do is freeing.

I’m glad I met her spontaneously. It was a learning moment for me. I learned that meeting with people you love gives you energy back. At least if you bring your whole self and don’t try to hide stuff. And I learned I’m not alone.

From now on, I’ll talk even more about my experiences with my friends, and I encourage you to do so, too. It really helps to know you’re not in this alone.

Who do you talk to when you feel things are spinning out of control?

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